I feel like I have been stumbling around a lot lately. Between school, work, relationships, and life in general... I've let this world get the best of me and leave me broken.So, with only four days left in my first semester of nursing school... The end is in sight!
For some reason, I frequently have the misconception that my life is a book or a movie. I think that one chapter will distinctly close before the next opens. I like things to be clean cut and neat. I want background music to play to emphasize what I am feeling or experiencing... I want the bad things to be separate and balanced from the good, and everything to have a happy ending.
However, as bad as I want that cookie cutter, it's not how God intended us to experience this life. Even if I am experiencing. One of the most bittersweet chapters of my life, it is also one of the most beautiful chapters and a time sparkling and twinkling in celebration. They are the same thing, of course! There is always light and dark, sorrow and sweetness, beauty and blood...
It's just like the story of Christ, a holy and precious baby born, a gruesome death on the cross, and the sweet life when He rose again... Life mimics this, life after death, bitter in the sweetness. Although we experience pain and heartache, we easily forget the sweetness: a crackling fire, the sweetness of a fresh strawberry, the high after a good run, a hug from a dear friend, and other ways goodness is tucked away in our lives waiting to be discovered.
Tomorrow is Monday. Tomorrow will be a fresh start. I promise to leave the past in the past and move forward in life to discover and celebrate God's plan for me. In the words of one of my favorite writers, Shauna Neiquist..
"I believe still today what I have always believes; that God is good, that the world he made is extraordinary, and that his comfort is like nothing else on earth!"
So my prayer for you is not that you live a life that's only sweet and never bitter... But that even in the bitterest of moments, you will find the comfort of Christ, deep and enduring, powerful beyond all imagination!
Tomorrow is a fresh start to a true me.
December 4, 2011
November 8, 2011
A David Psalm
1 I run to you, God; I run for dear life. Don't let me down! Take me seriously this time!2 Get down on my level and listen, and please-no procrastination! Your granite cave a hiding place, your high cliff aerie a place of safety.3 You're my cave to hide in, my cliff to climb. Be my safe leader, be my true mountain guide.4 Free me from hidden traps; I want to hide in you.5 I've put my life in your hands. You won't drop me, you'll never let me down.6 I hate all this silly religion, but you, God, I trust.7 I'm leaping and singing in the circle of your love; you saw my pain, you disarmed my tormentors,8 You didn't leave me in their clutches but gave me room to breathe.9 Be kind to me, God-I'm in deep, deep trouble again. I've cried my eyes out; I feel hollow inside.10 My life leaks away, groan by groan; my years fade out in sighs. My troubles have worn me out, turned my bones to powder.14 Desperate, I throw myself on you: you are my God!15 Hour by hour I place my days in your hand, safe from the hands out to get me.16 Warm me, your servant, with a smile; save me because you love me.17 Don't embarrass me by not showing up; I've given you plenty of notice. Embarrass the wicked, stand them up, leave them stupidly shaking their heads as they drift down to hell.18 Gag those loudmouthed liars who heckle me, your follower, with jeers and catcalls.19 What a stack of blessing you have piled up for those who worship you, Ready and waiting for all who run to you to escape an unkind world.20 You hide them safely away from the opposition. As you slam the door on those oily, mocking faces, you silence the poisonous gossip.21 Blessed God! His love is the wonder of the world.22 I panicked. "Out of sight, out of mind," I said. But you heard me say it, you heard and listened.23 Love God, all you saints; God takes care of all who stay close to him, But he pays back in full those arrogant enough to go it alone.24 Be brave. Be strong. Don't give up. Expect God to get here soon. (Psalm 31:1-10, 14-24 MSG)
When you feel empty, ask the Lord to fill you up! He is our strength and the only certain thing in our lives. Don't let the things of this world cloud your mind... Find refuge in our God and hope in the future he has for each one of us.
When you feel empty, ask the Lord to fill you up! He is our strength and the only certain thing in our lives. Don't let the things of this world cloud your mind... Find refuge in our God and hope in the future he has for each one of us.
November 7, 2011
words...
Sometimes there are no words. That is a rare occasion for me... but it does happen. I have been without words lately, then I start writing and the words just come.
I've learned lately that I can't always be in control, I have to put my faith in God. God knows our beginning, our middle, and our end and truly wants the best for us, he is our Father. We must have the faith to recognize it, believe it, and live it. As much as we think we know what is best for us, only our Lord knows our future and how to get us there. We may go through trying and heart wrenching times to get there, but we must maintain a faithful and soft heart during these times. If we harden ourselves toward God, or a certain situation, He cannot mold our hearts. We must remain pliable, so that God can guide us and form us into the person we are meant to be to fulfill His will. The hardest part about this is finding peace. Faith and peace comes when we surrender our lives to God, and hand him full control.
I'm stepping back. I've given my troubles, my life, and my heart to God. It may be difficult to do at times, but placing your hope in a perfect God is a better decision than giving your life to an imperfect and weak human. God continually shows this to be true in ways we can’t even fathom and hope placed in him does not disappoint. I’m not sure we can say the same about hope placed in others, or ourselves.
It is normal to take time to evaluate our life at some point, and make sure that we are on the right course. But that is not something we can decide independently. We must go to God and pray that every area of our lives is pleasing and glorifying Him. Without involving God in the inspection of our lives, we are making ourselves more important than Him, by believing that we know what is best for us. I have felt so ashamed that I have attempted to be in complete control of my life, thinking that God doesn't have time for every teeny tiny area of my life, but this isn't true. God knows us inside in out. Although he knows every aspect of our lives, he is overjoyed when we invite Him into our hearts, even if it is into somewhere he hasn't been present in a long time. When there is a get together and "everyone" is invited, don't you feel all the more special when you receive a personal invite? That means there is no question that you are welcome and wanted there. This is how God feels in our lives. He already knows everything that is going on and He is always there, but when we find the time to invite Him in to specific and intimate parts of our lives, His joy blesses us in ways we could never imagine.
It is never too late. If you have withheld a certain area of your life from the Lord, or just haven't been sure how to let him in, you aren't helpless! Just talk to God, ask Him to come into that part of your life, whether it is a relationship, a hobby, or school, ask Him to come in and make things new. He will give you hope and restore this part of your life to make it something it has never been before. I recently did this. I realized that I had been living most of my life with every intention of giving God control, but never actually surrendered control to Him. So I'm asking the Lord to take on my worries, anxieties, and stress and carry me through to the other side. Life falls apart sometime, but God is the ultimate healer. He makes all things new...
-G
I've learned lately that I can't always be in control, I have to put my faith in God. God knows our beginning, our middle, and our end and truly wants the best for us, he is our Father. We must have the faith to recognize it, believe it, and live it. As much as we think we know what is best for us, only our Lord knows our future and how to get us there. We may go through trying and heart wrenching times to get there, but we must maintain a faithful and soft heart during these times. If we harden ourselves toward God, or a certain situation, He cannot mold our hearts. We must remain pliable, so that God can guide us and form us into the person we are meant to be to fulfill His will. The hardest part about this is finding peace. Faith and peace comes when we surrender our lives to God, and hand him full control.
I'm stepping back. I've given my troubles, my life, and my heart to God. It may be difficult to do at times, but placing your hope in a perfect God is a better decision than giving your life to an imperfect and weak human. God continually shows this to be true in ways we can’t even fathom and hope placed in him does not disappoint. I’m not sure we can say the same about hope placed in others, or ourselves.
It is normal to take time to evaluate our life at some point, and make sure that we are on the right course. But that is not something we can decide independently. We must go to God and pray that every area of our lives is pleasing and glorifying Him. Without involving God in the inspection of our lives, we are making ourselves more important than Him, by believing that we know what is best for us. I have felt so ashamed that I have attempted to be in complete control of my life, thinking that God doesn't have time for every teeny tiny area of my life, but this isn't true. God knows us inside in out. Although he knows every aspect of our lives, he is overjoyed when we invite Him into our hearts, even if it is into somewhere he hasn't been present in a long time. When there is a get together and "everyone" is invited, don't you feel all the more special when you receive a personal invite? That means there is no question that you are welcome and wanted there. This is how God feels in our lives. He already knows everything that is going on and He is always there, but when we find the time to invite Him in to specific and intimate parts of our lives, His joy blesses us in ways we could never imagine.
It is never too late. If you have withheld a certain area of your life from the Lord, or just haven't been sure how to let him in, you aren't helpless! Just talk to God, ask Him to come into that part of your life, whether it is a relationship, a hobby, or school, ask Him to come in and make things new. He will give you hope and restore this part of your life to make it something it has never been before. I recently did this. I realized that I had been living most of my life with every intention of giving God control, but never actually surrendered control to Him. So I'm asking the Lord to take on my worries, anxieties, and stress and carry me through to the other side. Life falls apart sometime, but God is the ultimate healer. He makes all things new...
-G
November 3, 2011
priorities
Is it truly possible to plot out your whole life and know what to expect? The answer is no. God laughs at those of us who think we have control over our lives. We think we have plans... then poof, God says, "Hey, remember me?" We are living according to HIS plan, not ours.
I am obsessed with checklist. They get me from day to day. Having a to do list and checking things off as I go along gives me a sense of satisfaction about my day, and honestly gives me a feeling of control. I guess I feel I need control, because sometimes I feel like my life is unmanageable. I have realized lately though, that maybe I should stop leaning on the checklist and start leaning more on my Lord. So often, this world gets to me and I forget that its not about me, its about others. It's not about what I want, it's about what God wants. It's not about my plan, bnt the Lord's plan. I can plan out every step of my day, week, and year... from what I want to eat for lunch, when I will study, or what time I'll get home from work to when I will graduate, get married, and have kids. But when I get rolling with these plans, God laughs and says, "Woah, woah, woah Gab... slow down!" He throws kinks, road blocks, and obstacles in the road to slow me and down and remember to keep HIS focus as MY focus.
I cannot stand when things do not go as I plan. But I try to tell my self that God will never give me more than I can handle. So whenever I feel like I have something taken away from me, or my world gets flipped upside down, or my plans crumble in front of me... God is letting me know that I have reached my limit. Once I conquer and adapt to the things currently on my plate, he'll consider giving me more. God does this because He loves me. He doesn't want me to feel overwhelmed or broken or upset. My happiness is His happiness. I also know that when things begin to fall apart, it is time for a priority check.
1 Corinthians chapter 7, talks all about love and life. We are told that we are to concentrate soley and simply on pleasing the Master. No matter what life brings to our door, this is our number one priority and mission. We are told to live as free of complications as possible, so that this world does not weigh us down. Whenever our life gets crowded by these complications, our priorities get foggy. This is where God steps in and shocks you. I've found that He often takes away the things you have put ahead of Him. This is to remind us that NOTHING is more important than our God. This is what is called a reality check. It may seem harsh, but it is only to keep us from falling even further from Him. It is sort of a wake up call, some may continue on without prioritizing, but for me, I am reorganizing.
Recently I have been focusing on the wise words of a Godly woman..."If there is anything in your life that you would have a problem giving up if God asked you to, then it is too important to you. The bible says we are to be in need of nothing except God." I couldn't agree with this more. That is what I have to keep telling myself over, and over, and over while thinking about how I prioritize my life. God should be first. This sounds like a cliche, and often people say this without acting on it or meaning it. I have been that person before. I am making a change, right now, to strive my hardest to keep God as my main and most significant focus in my life. I am leaving my past mindset in the past and starting fresh. I know this will be difficult, and I know that I will struggle, But the blessings of this choice out weigh the burdens. I will come to moments in my future, especially my immediate future, where this world may weigh down on me and I may struggle with my priorities. I know that Satan will tempt me and try to make me regret and change these priorities, but if I stay strong, then I will grow.
Today, this is my struggle. Without a proper and firm foundation to rest my life on, I cannot accomplish anything and will never feel satisfied, I will always feel incomplete and out of place. Putting God first gives me confidence that everything will unfold according to His plan, and His plan is the only plan that matters...
"And don't be wishing you were someplace else or with someone else. Where you are right now is God's place for you. Live and obey and love and believe right there. God, not your marital status, defines your life. Don't think I'm being harder on you than on the others. I give this same counsel in all the churches." 1 Corinthians 7:17 (The Message)
This is the scripture I have been solely focused on for the last 24 hours. The first thing this verse taught me, was the importance of prioritzing. Now when I read the verse I see the importance of confidence and being comfortable with who I am... The other thing I see in this verse is patience. I need a little more time to figure our exactly what God is trying to share with me about parts two and three... but when I know, you'll know.
-G
I am obsessed with checklist. They get me from day to day. Having a to do list and checking things off as I go along gives me a sense of satisfaction about my day, and honestly gives me a feeling of control. I guess I feel I need control, because sometimes I feel like my life is unmanageable. I have realized lately though, that maybe I should stop leaning on the checklist and start leaning more on my Lord. So often, this world gets to me and I forget that its not about me, its about others. It's not about what I want, it's about what God wants. It's not about my plan, bnt the Lord's plan. I can plan out every step of my day, week, and year... from what I want to eat for lunch, when I will study, or what time I'll get home from work to when I will graduate, get married, and have kids. But when I get rolling with these plans, God laughs and says, "Woah, woah, woah Gab... slow down!" He throws kinks, road blocks, and obstacles in the road to slow me and down and remember to keep HIS focus as MY focus.
I cannot stand when things do not go as I plan. But I try to tell my self that God will never give me more than I can handle. So whenever I feel like I have something taken away from me, or my world gets flipped upside down, or my plans crumble in front of me... God is letting me know that I have reached my limit. Once I conquer and adapt to the things currently on my plate, he'll consider giving me more. God does this because He loves me. He doesn't want me to feel overwhelmed or broken or upset. My happiness is His happiness. I also know that when things begin to fall apart, it is time for a priority check.
1 Corinthians chapter 7, talks all about love and life. We are told that we are to concentrate soley and simply on pleasing the Master. No matter what life brings to our door, this is our number one priority and mission. We are told to live as free of complications as possible, so that this world does not weigh us down. Whenever our life gets crowded by these complications, our priorities get foggy. This is where God steps in and shocks you. I've found that He often takes away the things you have put ahead of Him. This is to remind us that NOTHING is more important than our God. This is what is called a reality check. It may seem harsh, but it is only to keep us from falling even further from Him. It is sort of a wake up call, some may continue on without prioritizing, but for me, I am reorganizing.
Recently I have been focusing on the wise words of a Godly woman..."If there is anything in your life that you would have a problem giving up if God asked you to, then it is too important to you. The bible says we are to be in need of nothing except God." I couldn't agree with this more. That is what I have to keep telling myself over, and over, and over while thinking about how I prioritize my life. God should be first. This sounds like a cliche, and often people say this without acting on it or meaning it. I have been that person before. I am making a change, right now, to strive my hardest to keep God as my main and most significant focus in my life. I am leaving my past mindset in the past and starting fresh. I know this will be difficult, and I know that I will struggle, But the blessings of this choice out weigh the burdens. I will come to moments in my future, especially my immediate future, where this world may weigh down on me and I may struggle with my priorities. I know that Satan will tempt me and try to make me regret and change these priorities, but if I stay strong, then I will grow.
Today, this is my struggle. Without a proper and firm foundation to rest my life on, I cannot accomplish anything and will never feel satisfied, I will always feel incomplete and out of place. Putting God first gives me confidence that everything will unfold according to His plan, and His plan is the only plan that matters...
"And don't be wishing you were someplace else or with someone else. Where you are right now is God's place for you. Live and obey and love and believe right there. God, not your marital status, defines your life. Don't think I'm being harder on you than on the others. I give this same counsel in all the churches." 1 Corinthians 7:17 (The Message)
This is the scripture I have been solely focused on for the last 24 hours. The first thing this verse taught me, was the importance of prioritzing. Now when I read the verse I see the importance of confidence and being comfortable with who I am... The other thing I see in this verse is patience. I need a little more time to figure our exactly what God is trying to share with me about parts two and three... but when I know, you'll know.
-G
June 13, 2011
no spending, no worries
Well we decided to give it a try and see if we could meet the challenge. We decided we would begin that Friday, knowing that if we waited too long to start this journey we may talk ourselves out of it!
So while B was at work Friday night, I ran some errands around town, paying my cable bill and his electric. Then it was off to the grocery store. With two lists in hand, I grabbed a buggy and made my way through the store, stocking us both up on some grub. I tend to stick with soup, frozen chicken, and frozen veggies. I have a bad habit of planning to eat all fresh and organic, then letting the stuff go bad before I decide to eat it. I personally blame that bad habit on being a college student. No normal college student has a regular enough schedule to eat at home at the same time everyday, or plan to cook a whole fresh good meal every night. And by the time I get out of class or off work at night, I'm normally craving PB&J or chicken noodle soup. But anywayssss..... B on the other hand decided to be a grocery list diva. Sending me as his personal shopper meant that I had to be quite specific about his food selection. After getting snacks, soup, vitamins, and whatever else we felt like we couldn't live without for ten days, I made myself to the self-checkout and headed home! This would be simple. Not spending money would be no big thing, and in the meantime my savings would be building! Woohoo! Why didn't we do this sooner??......
Friday, June 3rd- Day 1- No big deal! Not spending money was easy... Not only was I working all day, therefore leaving me no free time to spend... but I also got my paycheck at the restaurant and putting it in the bank knowing it was untouched was heavenly!
We continued this little "spending free" adventure for the next 9 days, which turned out to be quite interesting. Here's how it went...
- The following weekend (Days 2 & 3) was a piece of cake! Staying busy working the weekend meant no temptation to spend, however it was a tad hard saying no to Sunday lunch after church and settling for yet another sandwich made at the house!
- Monday, June 6th- Day 4- This was a tough one for me! Saying no to the vending machine, during our break between lab and class was hard, but I made it. Not to mention I ran out of my favorite mascara today, tragic.
- Tuesday, June 7th- Day 5- I took an afternoon run around the farmroad with our chocolate lab, Kate, all the while dreaming of an ICEE.... killer. However, my sweet mommy (who happened to be staying the night with me) heard about this terrible ICEE heartbreak and may or may not have brought B and I one when she got off work. Sweet! Mom saved the day with that one!
- Wednesday & Thursday, June 8th&9th- Day 6&7- Breaking our Mexican food habit was definitely a struggle for B and I. We love getting Mexican food for lunch after class right off campus! Luckily, we had a little cheesedip in the fridge to hold us over. Oh yea, and my gas light came on... Oh joy! Still have to make it to Monday!
- Friday, June 10th- Day 8- Friday was a great day for me! Not only did I get a paycheck Thursday from the gym, but once again Friday was payday at the restaurant and I was racking up on savings! B had made it this far without a hitch, he took out his spending temptations on his E*Trade account. Already having money in his account before the challenge started meant he could invest and play around with his stock as much as he wanted, without technically spending anymore money! (I'm a tad bitter about this one, and I'm still not sure how I feel about this stretching of the rules. If I would have known this I would have bought myself a Forever21 gift card before we started so I could steadily feed my online shopping addiction.)
- Saturday, June 11th- Day 9- ALMOST THERE!!! Worked a double at the restaurant and left my wallet at the house, that way a Subway 6"couldn't reel me in after work!
- Sunday, June 12, Day 10- We made it! After church I headed to work and then back home for a long night of studying and cereal for dinner!
I'm pretty sure I'll be a little bit more of a frugal college student, after this experience. I love watching my savings grow and seeing what all I can live without. It's a shame to think we had to do this as a challenge, when some people do this without a choice. I'm going to try to remember that day to day and evaluate to importance of what I'm buying. Going without mexican food and movies is not that huge of a struggle in reality, sometimes I just lose sight of the bigger picture.
Not having the option to spend for ten days really brought to my attention where all my money normally goes. It's like keeping a food diary. You don't realize you ate a whole box of 100 calorie packs in a day, until you decide to right down what you are eating. Well, I didn't realize how much of my paycheck was funding my Subway obsession, until I drove past Subway countless times over the last week and couldn't pull in... I seriously recommend trying this challenge to all of you out there! I bet you will learn more than you thought!
Until next time,
G
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