*I would like to apologize in advance for the length of this post, but hey sometimes a girl has things to say!
Overall today felt like a big day for me. You know in the movies when there is that huge life changing moment that separates the past from the future and everything for the main character changes? Like when Cinderella meets her Prince and never has to return to her stepmother's house again, or Harry gets his letter from Hogwarts and enters the world of magic never returning to the broom cupboard! (Yes, I went there.... I'm a H.P. fan & proud of it.) Well... today was one of those days, internally at least. I feel like I'm finally coming into my own as a woman/ twenty-something/ grown-up/ young adult. However, as I gain this independence I begin to question if I want it. Let me break it down for you...
Independent (dictionary definition)
(1) Not governed by a foreign power; self-governing.
(2) Free from the influence, guidance, or control of another or others
(3) Not determined or influenced by someone or something else; not contingent
(4) Not dependent on or affiliated with a larger or controlling entity
Independent (Gabby's definition)
(1) Now the dictionary sounds pretty appealing on #'s 2 and 3, but there is a certain part of independence I don't want. I actually take pride and comfort that I am goverened by a foreign power [Christ] and without him do not feel I could govern myself. Also, I am honored to be affiliated with Christ. Although some say that the term Christian has been tainted over the years, no one or thing can taint Christ's name. Nothing can take away the price he paid for our sins. I am dependent on Christ for my strength.
But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. - 2 Corinthians 12:9-10
I love what Paul says here. He explains my view of independence with Christ perfectly. He explains that himself, as well as all humans, are not perfect. We all have weaknesses. All those weaknesses are unique to each of us, no two the same. We were given that imperfection to be reminded that we cannot survive alone. We need something bigger and stronger; we accept Christ's strength as our own. When we accept our weaknesses for what they are, we are becoming dependent on Christ. When we are weak, we are strong. So- I will chose to be dependent on Christ, rather than attempt to make it on my own.
(2) Now that I've covered the deep part of the definition, I would like to share the rest of my independence struggle over the last few days. I realized that in high school I tried so hard to be like everyone else. To dress the same, speak the same, enjoy the same things, and blend in as much as possible. While not hiding completely who I was, I was lucky enough to find myself among an amazing group of friends and somehow wrangle a pretty amazing guy ("B"- for future reference)- all during my freshman year. (Yep that's right. Found the love of my life in the 9th grade- I'm crazzyyy lucky and I thank God daily.) So anyways, the rest of high school was a game of matching my friends in hobbies, interest, clothes, and beliefs. I was lucky enough to not lose myself inside the way I lost myself slightly on the surface.
Then came college.To say that college has been a rollercoaster emotionally and physically ( changing schools 3 times in 3 years) would be a complete understatement... but that's a story for another day. My college story is like so many others... rush, rush, rush. Rush a sorority. Rush through courses. Rush through memories. All great times, but not really being myself along the way. I've always been proud of the person I am and never really shy about it, but somehow I managed to hide my true self from so many people that God brought into my life along the way.
My junior year, I found myself at a new university and close to home. I felt more like myself than ever before- after a year and a half apart I was finally back at the same school as B and relieved. For the first time in a long time I felt like I could breathe. Like I could loosen up and be Gabby again. After a few months have passed I've made some major steps. I've gone from college student to nursing school applicant (hopefully soon to be student- YAY!) From dorm room to house. From long distance relationship to seeing his face daily..and fearlessly in love. From another member of my Baptist youth to discovering what my unique relationship with Christ really means. I feel like I've taken some pretty huge steps this year. And I'm inviting more to come!
This is the kind of independence I welcome with open arms. I learn something new everyday! In fact, yesterday I learned how to file taxes without mom and dad. Hah! I've tried to spend more and more time discovering who I am personally, what I believe, and what I want from life. Now, obviously that's the purpose of this blog- to help me lay out all the lessons I learn and things I discover while I continue to grow. One thing I have really realized is that you have to know who you are before you can share yourself with anyone else...
(3) Now how I got so lucky... I have no idea. It was a great friend of mine, Mo, who introduced young B to me, which WILL be a story on another day :). But for two people to grow up in highschool together, survive the drama, and make it to college is hard enough. But to make it to our 3rd year of college still intact is almost unheard of. He has stuck by my side through thick and thin and I honestly cannot imagine my life without him- and don't want to try. I wish that every girl gets to experience the uncontrollable feeling of happiness and relief I have everytime I see his face. It's like a force of nature. I'm so filled with happiness, there aren't words to explain it.. the word love doesn't do the feeling justice. And the relief comes from the comfortability. He knows me- inside and out. I can be myself around him with no cares in the world.
While I've been on this journey discovering who I am, he's been by my side. He knows what I've learned and how I've changed. We've grown up together, instead of growing apart we have only grown closer together. Actually more entangled than close together... like slowly fusing together. He is such a huge part of who I am. My indepence journey has so much to do with mine and B's relationship. He has helped me discover new things about myself- like how I should care less about what people think about me and do things for myself and not to please others. He has also been there when I've learned life's lessons- like how easy it is to lose trust and how hard it is to build trust back. I understand that relying on B and his opinion makes me dependent, but along the way I have begin to see our relationship as it's own person. And I know that person finds their strength in Christ. So really, B and I are dependent on Christ to lead our relationship wherever he pleases, as we are along for the ride.
Now you know my stance on being independent- live for yourself NOT others. Be true to yourself. I know you have heard it all your life, but until you reach the point of true realization, as I have over the past few days, you won't really understand. I hope I have put at least a crack in the surface for you to start chizzling away at who you truly are.
Until next time,
G
